My Stir-Fry Noodle Recipe

STIR-FRY NOODLES 
Ingredients:
Meat (I used goat meat, chicken and egg)

Vegetable (I used curry and scent leaf)

Pepper 

Garlic

Ginger

Soy sauce 

Salt

Noodle

Oil (preferably olive or coconut)

Prep.

•Boil noodles with noodle seasoning and garlic and ginger with onion until desired softness, drain and set aside. 

•pour a little oil in a pan and heat for about 10 seconds.

•add garlic, onion, ginger and let fry for 30 seconds 

•add soy sauce 

•add your already sliced vegetable (scent leaf and curry leaf) and pepper 

•stir fry all ingredients for about a minute 

•add your noodles and stir.
Serve hot. 

Dear Daddy…

In every man I ‘like’, I realize I look for my father. I search for his lazy smile, for the mischief in his eyes when he says something sarcastic, for his humor, for his willingness to sacrifice, for his hunger to learn, for his desire to protect and serve. In every man I search for my father. I search for my best friend, my teacher, my first love, my hero, my guardian, my king. 
My earliest memories of you were of the mornings you’ll put me on your laps and hug me close, and I could feel your morning bristles on my cheek. How you wouldn’t eat until I was there. My father, my friend. My father, my protector. You taught me that love is sacrifice, love is work, love is the willingness to fight for what makes you happy. I know what love is, because you taught this little me in your actions, words, thoughts. I know what I deserve in life and love because you showed me.
 You are not perfect, never pretended to be, but your willingness to be better and learn is out of this world. 

I still remember how we’d sit down watching TV and I’ll start rambling and talking and basically teaching you new world conspiracies and we will get into an argument and you never shut me down. We argued and tackled point for points, fact for conspiracies, we would sit down and draw patterns and you’d look at me with so much pride and love in your eyes and say “you get sense small o”. Now my friends know where I get that from. 
 I remember how you cried twice when I left the house. The first time I was too young to understand, but the second, I saw it. When I left the house to move into school hostel(uni), as we loaded the cab, you looked at me and said “my òmòmò, how will you cope?” And I looked at you like duhhhh. I mean, I could only think of forward, of the new adventure I was getting into. But you were my father, I was leaving you, and all you could think about was your baby girl leaving your nest….again. As I sat down in the cab all smiley faced and looked up at you trying to be strong and you already had red-teary eyes (your wife couldn’t even walk me to the gate because she was inside crying) I realized it in that moment what my leaving meant to you. I ran out of the cab and held you so tight and you hugged me back and I whispered “daddy I love you” and you said “I love you”. It was the first time we ever said those words to each other and from that day, it was never quite the same. We had unlocked a new level of bond between us. I called you every other day from school after that and you never forgot to ask “have you called your mother”. I keep telling my friends that I don’t know who’s going to cry the most on my wedding day; you, me or mum. 
I remember coming home in SS2 and telling you I was made class prefect and your exact words were “big snake no de born small snake”. Such pride in my creating stupid roosters and calling subject teachers that we had them for lectures. You took and still pride in everything I do! It is ridiculous. You taught me that it was okay to be smart, it was okay to be good, it was okay to cry, it was okay to read. My reading culture is from you. You had the weirdest books. You were this bookworm’s first hero. 
And the way you love your wife, oh my. You guys are the definition of marriage goals, dad. You guys make marriage look easy. If its not the type of love you guys share, I don’t want it. How you protect her like a child and push her above you. Whenever I say “daddy, need anything?” Your reply is predictably “sort your mama out first”. I grew up waking up to you both gossiping every single night, literally every night. Talk about lovers and best friends. Oh, my heart can’t deal! 
Daddy God bless you. I love you too much, I can’t deal. You are my hero and my protector. You are one person I can always depend on. You are God’s vessel to me. For everything you have taught me, for all I’m still learning, thank you. For never sparing the rod and spoiling this child, thank you. Your firm hand of discipline has kept me on the straight and narrow till now, thank you. 
All I ask is you stay with me for a very long time. That you stay and watch your little ‘alagbodè’ make you proud and give you grandkids and bring home that man that’s all you are and more. That you reap all the seeds you have planted in my life. I love you big man…. even before I was born, and even after death. 
Ps. When are we telling my siblings that they are adopted? 

Baked Potatoes + Pepper Sauce Recipe.

img_8027Ingredients.
* Potatoes
* Pepper
* Onions
* Salt
* Ginger
* Garlic
* Seasoning
* Olive oil
* Water
* Thyme
* Cayenne pepper
* Onion
* Soy sauce

Preparation.
– Potatoes
* Chop your potatoes into large pieces; leave the skin on to prevent excess nutrient loss.
* Boil in salted water for about 10mins
* Drain
* Allow to cool and peel off the skin
* Sprinkle thyme, salt, cayenne pepper and place in the oven.
* Bake until golden brown

– Pepper sauce
* Blend onions, pepper, garlic, ginger to your desired taste
* Heat (2 tablespoons of) olive oil
* Add your pepper etc and fry until dry
* Add soy sauce
* Add thyme
* Stir

serve.

Your food is ready. Bòn appetit

Hello, New Christian.

So while we all ushered in the new year, I’m sure….or at least, I hope…some of us resolved to move closer to God this new year. Wouldn’t that make for the best New Year’s resolution? So today I decided to write this to everyone like me who is new in faith and growing in God’s love and grace. The aim isn’t to push you away from Him, but to help you better understand His love.

So last year, I decided to let go and let God. I was at a point in my life where everything seemed to be in disarray and I knew I needed an extra help. Usually I am the most chilled person but I was stressed and troubled and having trouble sleeping and I lost a lot of weight. One day, I thought “Lota, maybe it’s high time you stoop trying to do everything alone and let someone else help”. Question was, who to let help. I tried confiding in a few friends but I could tell no one truly understood, neither could they help, nor did confiding in them make my problems go away. One day, I got on my knees in the middle of the night and I tried to pray but all I did was cry. For such a long time, tears simply rolled down and all I could say was “Lord, please give me peace.” I slept that night and the next morning, I opened my Google and keyed in “bible verses for God’s peace”. A few verses came up:
Philippians 4:7
1 Peter 5:7
Proverb 16:7
Psalm 119:165 were some of the verses I found..

So here I was, thinking “so you mean to tell me that He will automatically give me peace if my way pleases Him? Oh aiit, small thing ”

I tried to do the fire hose, quick fix Christianity but I forgot an important thing “seek ye first the kingdom of God, and EVERY OTHER THING shall be added unto you”. So suffice to say my peace wasn’t coming.. I hated the fact that I’d repented for 2 days and God wasn’t giving me what I wanted….peace. I mean, just imagine. Long story short, I made up my mind to go for the marathon, not the relay.
I decided to share this, this morning because I know how difficult Christianity can be for a young Christian in faith. You want to be good, you want to do right but you can’t do right all the time. It’s a constant game of stumbling and falling and rising. You aren’t made to be perfect, neither were you made to live in sin. It’s a continuous struggle. Even Apostle Paul knew this when He said in Romans 7:15 “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” If the great Apostle Paul could understand that sin is a natural default of the body, who are you to decide to be judge over yourself and condemn yourself because you have deemed yourself condemned? Revelation 2:5, 2 Cor 7:9-10, Acts 3:18-19…. Do not ever forget God’s love which transcends beyond our iniquities and His forgiveness that is beyond our sin. Also do not forget Romans 6:1-4.. do not take advantage..

Jesus is my groom now and like in every marriage, there are days when I don’t want to love my husband and my eyes catch a young stud and I want to cheat. There are days I might actually cheat on whatever level, but I’m married to a man who loves me beyond my understanding. A man who loved me before I was born. A man who is married to me whether I think I’m married to him or not. Now, it’s left to me to simply decide to no longer consciously cheat and do right by Him. To decide to die to the world so I may be alive in Him. Only then can I unlock all the levels of promises and fulfillment of His promises which surpasses anything the world could ever give.

One day we will talk about being a new Christian again, hopefully our lives would be better and more richly blessed because we have let our maker in.

And yes…. I finally found peace😊

Dear Future Husband… 2

​ wrote a letter to you once, Future Husband, but I wrote it based on someone I liked. I’m getting married to you, so obviously that didn’t work. I don’t know you or what you look like, I may never meet you but here’s how I feel. I am writing this from a really low place, so I’m going to try as much as I can to be honest.
I am 26 now, and I do realize that my clock is ticking according to my African background. I also do realize that I am anything but traditional, so I’m neither desperate nor in a hurry to get married. I miss you. I know it sounds strange but I do. I probably have already met you, I most likely haven’t but I can’t wait to know you. I am a broken woman laden with insecurities and distrust and I am not ashamed to tell you. All my life, I feel like I keep meeting the wrong people at the right time or the right people at the wrong time. I have either loved too much or not enough, gave too much or didn’t give enough. It was always one or the other, no matter how much I tried. I have had to tell myself severally that it was because I hadn’t met you yet. I still think i am right. I have found myself shrinking and doubting myself, unsure of if I was doing the right thing. Questioning myself every step of every way. Wondering if I was expecting too much out of life or people. I have given so much of myself that sometimes, I wonder if I haven’t given too much or if there’s anything left to give.
I have come to realise that there will always be a new excuse why they couldn’t love me. If I wasn’t too much, I wasn’t enough. My career is going to always be a reason why it won’t always be easy or why it won’t work, and I understand. I also understand the beauty of family and to know me is to know I’ll never put anything or anyone before you and our kids. I am always going to be in the public eye and that’s why I need trust to be an absolute. I am not ashamed to say I need someone to mend my broken heart and heal my wounds. Someone to renew my faith in men and people, and I promise to be here too to heal you where you are broken. I know I’m deserving of the kind of love I want, because it’s the kind of love I am willing to give. I am trying to get closer to God and I hope you are willing to do the same or you are there already to help me along.
I understand that I am scared of commitment, but I also realize that when I find the right one, I won’t question it. My fear of commitment stems from the fear that everyone always leaves so I have tried to play it safe by not getting attached. Truth is, I have hurt myself trying to avoid being hurt by someone else. I am tired of holding all my love in, I am tired of pretending that I don’t care as much as I do. That’s not the way I love. I believe in giving everything and being everything. All I want above all else, is someone who isn’t scared of giving their all and who’s willing to take my all. I can’t pretend to not care so much for fear that you’ll be overwhelmed, I want you to be overwhelmed. I want to be overwhelmed too. I want to lay awake at night asking myself how someone can possibly love me that much, and to make you ask the same. I want you to be obsessed with me, to look at me like I’m made of magic. To know that I am only human but to think me divine.
I understand that we live in a world where everyone is scared, no one wants to be played. I want to be your peace, I want to be the one who holds your hand when you ask God for His blessings. I want to be the one who thanks God with you when the blessings come your way. I want to be your best-friend and your homie, I want to be responsible for your food and your orgasms (I promise you a lot of both) , your laughter and your anti-pain medication. I want cuddles and addictions to each other. I want poems and cute texts and goofy songs and piggy back rides. I want forehead kisses and slow dances. I want a dream with no nightmare. I want a lot of God and a lot of praying together. I want a lot of surprises and a lot of romance. I want breakfast in bed and late night strolls. I want vacations together and even if we can’t afford it yet, a visit to the conservative is very fine too and a stroll and picnic along the beach cannot be over hyped. I want us to grow (old) together, building each other up. I want to be able to show you off and not feel stupid. I want to play board games with you and have quiet nights in. I want that 1 Cor 13, Ephesians 5: 22-33 kind of love and marriage. I believe in abstinence until marriage, a bed kept pure. Thessalonians 4:3, 2 Timothy 2:22, 1 Cor 6:18…. I am not willing to compromise on this, which is why like I said, I hope you are Godly.

Love helps people grow, love makes people bloom. I want to help you bloom. No matter where you are in life, I want to make you better.. I never want to make you feel like you are second choice because you aren’t. I am a lover and not a fighter, so don’t expect a girl who starts fights. I want to be your peace, I want to be the one you can turn to when the world is difficult. The one who holds you in her arms and you know everything is going to be fine. Our love is not a competition, it’s not a tug of war. I’m your partner not your rival, I’m your ally not the enemy. I’m here to help you build, I’m here to support you all the way. Faithfulness is of extreme importance to me Hebrews 13:4. I will never compromise on that, you shouldn’t either. Everyone deserves someone who doesn’t make them sit in bed at night wondering if a part of it was their fault. If they weren’t good enough. You deserve a wife of utmost loyalty and fidelity and I deserve the same.
I want to be able to be myself without fear of “see-finish”. I need you to be yourself with me, I want to know all of you. I am pretty strong, but I cry when I’m on my period (it’s the darn hormones) or when I think about my dogs and how i gave them away, and I curse when I drive (currently working on that RN). I curl my lips when I concentrate on stuff and I love trying new stuff. I’ll probably refuse when you ask me to do stuff in the beginning because I don’t want to get too attached. I laugh a lot and especially at myself, I am pretty funny and I make a lot of wacky jokes. I love puns and I love cooking. I am the kind of girl who’d dress up for an event but chose instead to stay in bed with you like we have done for the past three days prior to that. I will lick your face and take pictures of you while you sleep. I will drive you to Epe to try out a ram suya spot I heard about and take you away from your boys just because I can. I will get on your nerves, I will get in your heart, I will tell you I love you 20 times a day and I still won’t fart in your presence. Guess who’s the first person I want to call when I’m stressed at work or who I want to lash out when I feel like being troublesome? Through it all, one thing is for sure, you will never doubt how much I love you. Especially on the days love seems far away.
Someone probably reads this and thinks i’m naive, that i think love is easy. I do think love is easy….when it is real, and i want that real love baby. That “cant believe they are still together, God is really the foundation of that love” kinda love. If we know how much we love each other, if we know we don’t want to be apart, if we know God is for us, how can it not be easy? If we spend all our energy loving each other and being there for each other without distractions, how can we not work? How can it not work when He’s our rock and our fortress? “He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. Psalm 62:6” “Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” “I will grant you the desires of your heart, psalm 37:4” “may He grant you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed psalm 20:4”
So tell me again, how isn’t this love possible?

El’Dorado…

On the table was a bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes, their clothes laid strewn on the floor. Their moans could be heard from a long way off, cries of passion and joy escaped through the window. When they were done, he held her tightly and kissed her forehead.
“Marry me”
“What?” She was laughing
“Seriously, marry me”
“April fool”
“I’m serious, Jennifer. I want to be with you” he got up slightly and rested on his elbow “I know today is our anniversary of not dating but just think about it”
“Well, jokes on you. If you had a ring, I’ll totally say yes”
“Well, well, well. For real?”
” Well… I know it was on impulse so yeah” she had that devilish grin smile he’d fallen in love with..
“Hold on” he kissed her nose and got off the bed
She watched him with playfulness that turned into confusion as he brought out a little black box from his suit pocket
“What is that, Kevin?”
“Your ring, future Mrs Henshaw”
She stared wide-eyed him like a deer caught in the headlights
He took her hands and slipped the ring in, it was a perfect fit.
“It fits” was all she could say
“I had it fitted with measurements from one of your rings”
“Wow”
“Yeah, I’ve been walking around with this thing in my pocket for weeks now, waiting for the right moment to tell you. What’s better than our nonversary”
“It’s beautiful, Kevin” she admired the ring
“Thank you.” He heaved a sigh of relief “I was so worried. I kept thinking you weren’t going to say yes, I was so scared…” She half-listened to him go on and on as her mind drifted off…

It had all began on her birthday, she was having a quiet day when her phone rang. It was Funmi, her best friend from college
“Hey hey”
“Happy birthday darling, I can’t believe I almost forgot” Funmi said
“Thank God you didn’t. This is the one of the only two times we talk all year”
“I’m sorry, we should change that though”
“I know, right? How’s work?”
“Boring” she let out a yawn for emphasis and laughed
“How’s your boyfriend?”
“He’s okay hon, do you have one now?”
“Not yet, and I’m not interested in getting any”
“You are just saying that because no one is interested in you”
“You are just stupid” but she was laughing
“Hold on one second” Jennifer could hear her talking to a man in the background
“Is that Onos?”
“No, it’s a friend. By the way, I think you will both be good together” Funmi said
“It’s not that bad please, i can find my own man”
“Shut up and talk to him my friend” Funmi scolded playfully
Before Jennifer could protest, she heard a male voice come on the line
“Good evening”
“Good evening” she was unconsciously shaking her head
“I’m Kevin, you?”
“I’m Jennifer. I hear we will be good together”
He laughed “so I heard, it’s nice meeting you”

They talked for a bit but she didn’t know if she wanted to pursue it. She and Funmi haven’t been close for the past four years, they’d all grown up, so had their taste in men. It was her birthday anyway, and she was known for making stupid decisions on or around her birthday, why make another one consciously this time? Funmi came back on the line and asked her if she wanted to push it, and she said no. So how were they there at that time, with her staring at a ring on her finger like it was the mark of the beast?

Some months after her birthday, she’d received a message from an unknown number. It was a simple “Hey, Jennifer”. The simplicity of the message made her feel a familiarity with the sender, she normally would wait till morning since it was past midnight, but she’d replied “hey, you”. The response had taken her aback, “why are you up late? Are you munching on something?” She stared at the chips in her hand and was stunned. Few people knew about her late night kitchen trips, so this was quite suspicious. From then, they’d developed an easy friendship. He’d made it clear from the next day that he wanted something more, he was so sure, always so sure. She on the other hand wasn’t.
Three days after they met was April fool’s day and she’d asked for his help to prank her friends, and he was only too glad to help. She told her friends they were an item, her friends hung out with them both just to lend credibility to the story, and they fell in love with him. He was the perfect boyfriend and she wished from somewhere deep in her heart that she could let herself go and date him. She wasn’t the relationship type, all she really wanted was someone to be with. They had the conversation over and over again and it always ended the same
“It’s been four months since we started dating and…”
“Kevin we aren’t dating”
“I’ve told you that as far as I’m concerned, we started dating from april 1st. It might have ended for you when you said “April fool” to your friends but to me, it didn’t end”
She stared at him blankly “how does it feel being in a relationship with yourself?”
“Well, you travelled all the way from Abuja to spend the weekend with me, didn’t you? I’d say it’s going pretty well” he laughed at his humor until he saw her face “damn it, it was just a joke”
“We aren’t dating”
“Fine, we aren’t dating. Haven’t been dating for the past four months”
“Thank you”
“Can’t wait for us to date though”
“Argghhh can you not?” She got up from the couch and went into his room, shutting the door behind her.
She’d cool off after some minutes. He’d bring her food, or a snack to munch on and they’d cuddle up in bed. This was the only argument they ever had, she felt it was because they weren’t dating that it was so easy to let things go. Why ruin that in the stupid name of being in a relationship, this way, no one was invested. Just as she thought, he opened the door some minutes later bearing gifts. He sat on the single chair stuffing his face
“Dude I bought that”
“I only share with my girlfriends, sorry”
“I’ll date you for ice cream” and they both laughed
She got up and sat on his legs “you know you mean a lot to me, don’t you?”
“But not enough to date me”
“I just don’t want a name on it”
“I won’t hurt you, trust me”
“I’ll make you as happy as I can, but I won’t do it because you are my boyfriend. I want to do it because you are stupid and I like you”
“Makes some weird sense, I guess. As long as I can smash whenever I want”
“This is why I always say you don’t have sense” but she was laughing. She hugged him, and kissed his forehead
“This one you are kissing my forehead, don’t come and fall in love Aunty”
“Well, you won’t be the worst choice I’ve made” but she knew he was right, so she got up “what’s for dinner?”

Now she was staring at her hand, like it was the plague. She’d allowed him spoil her this “none anniversary”, just to indulge him. She had no idea he was going to take it this far.
“You are still not ready, right?” He was staring at her with those intuitive eyes of his
“Kevin, I’m just stunned”
“I know you jenny, your mind has worked out all the angles within the first few seconds. You look like a deer caught in headlights”
She started laughing “I actually thought the exact same thing about five minutes ago. Sorry, it’s not joke time yet”
“Now you are ranting, because you don’t know what to say and you don’t want to hurt me”
“What can I say? You know me too well”
“It’s still not enough to convince you to be with me” he got up from the bed
“Kevin, I didn’t say that”
“Am I not good enough? I don’t get it”
“You are perfect” she walked to him
“But you are not ready” she didn’t reply “are you fucking serious?”
“Calm down Kevin and please stop cussing”
“Stop telling me what to do. You aren’t my mother or my girlfriend and it’s halfway certain, you won’t be my wife”
“Kevin please don’t say something you’ll regret”
“Really? Like what? What Jennifer? You are going to say no anyway?”
“Now you are helping me make up my mind?”
“No, I’m helping you say what you are too scared to say because you think you’ll hurt me. Well, fuck that, I’m tired of being hurt and smiling like it’s nothing”
“Well, fine then, why don’t I make it easy for you? I told you we weren’t dating but …”
“But what? What? I still fell in love with you? You are fucking amazing, who wouldn’t?”
“Thank you”
“You are equal parts stupid too”
She shook her head
“You are so stupid, you can’t see love even when it’s staring at you in the face”
“You love me doesn’t mean I have to love you back”
“You are in love with me, whether you admit it to yourself or not. It doesn’t get better than this, babe. Not for me, not for you”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”
“You are 29! Do you understand? You’ll be 30 and I’ll be 33 in a few months, do you realise that?”
“Oh Mr Birth Certificate, I totally forgot my own age. Kindly remind me some more” she threw back at him sarcastically “now I’m supposed to marry you out of fear of being an old maid?”
“He’s not coming. I am him. You keep saying you’ll know him when you see him but he’s been with you for two whole years and you still couldn’t see”
“I need to be sure”
“What else do you want me to do? I moved my life from Lagos down to Abuja for you, and as much as I hate it here, you know there’s no where else I’d rather be because you are here”
“Sacrifices like this is what I don’t want, I didn’t ask you for it. I tried to dissuade you from doing it..”
“It’s what people do when they are in love, stupid, they make sacrifices to keep their loved ones happy. What you are looking for is a myth, El’dorado, a place of gold. It doesn’t exist. It doesn’t get better than this, Jennifer. Don’t push me away, babe. Let me love you better, please”
“I need some time”
“I need you to make your decision now, I’m sorry”
“Now you are being selfish”
“I’ve been selfless for two years. Faithful to a woman who won’t even admit she’s mine. I’ve earned my right to be selfish, so choose, me or what you think freedom means”
“I have to go, I’m sorry” she dressed up and walked out..

Shiza’s Dilemma pt3…

“Now tell me all about your escapade”..

I sat rigidly, unable to breathe. I was scared shitless. There was something about Jide, this wasn’t the man I’d married. This wasn’t the way I imagined he’d react to something like this, this was worse. Beyond the glaze in his eyes from the alcohol, Jide was calm, too calm. Every action was controlled. Like he was using every ounce of self control to rein himself in, and that scared me. I’d rather he shouted, or screamed at me or break down and cry. Anything but this mask of put-togetherness standing before me.
“I’m waiting, Shiza”
“Jide I wasn’t exactly lying, I just kept something from you”
He stared at me, silently.
“Talk to me, please. You are scaring me”
“Where were you when I got back?”
“Let’s forget about the last two days, please”
“Tell me the truth”
“I can’t”
“You can’t?”
“It’s over now, that’s all that matters”
“Wow, you must really take me for some stupid toy”
“Noooo, it’s not that. I just don’t want to go into it.”
“Who’s he?”
“Who’s who?”
“Stop it!” He screamed at me, I wasn’t expecting it, and I jumped back in shock.
“Jide please don’t do this to me, don’t do this to us, let’s just let it go” the tears were falling now, I couldn’t help myself
“Stop it, stop the tears. I’m tired of your crying and manipulation.”
“Jide I love you, I love you so much. I want us to work, I want our marriage to work”
“Then come out with the truth dammit! Who’s he? How long have you been fucking him”
I couldn’t utter a word, I just sat on the bar stool looking at my hands
“I don’t believe this…” Just then my phone started to ring, I quickly ran to my bag, took it out and looked at the caller ID, it was Ken. I held the phone tightly to chest. He walked up to me and stretched out his hands
“Give me the phone”
“No, I’m sorry I can’t do that. Please don’t make me”
“What is wrong with you woman, give me the damn phone”
“Jide I love you and I’m…”
“I want you to understand something, Shiza” he was back to that calm voice of his “I’m going to beat the phone out of your hands if I have to. Now, give me the phone”
I knew he meant it, I’d never seen my husband like this. I thought of all the possibilities, all the ways this could turn out and there was no win for me. If I handed the phone to him now, he was going to go through it and see the tons of messages Ken had sent to me in panic on my way home. Messages that spoke too clearly of a love affair and love that couldn’t be. On the other hand, I could always smash the phone and let him think the worst. Problem with that was, Jide might hit me like he promised, at this point, there was no telling what he could or couldn’t do. I wasn’t going to hate my husband for hitting me when it was clearly my fault. I could always swallow the phone but then again, I wasn’t ready to test the rate of expansion of my throat. I gave the phone to him and sat down on the floor, my marriage was over. It was that simple really, however this turned out today, we have both crossed lines we shouldn’t have. I couldn’t believe it, but with one email from an ex-lover, I’d destroyed a happy home, my happy home. I couldn’t even cry anymore, I felt drained, tired. I’d cried too much today, for Ken, for Jide, for myself and all I’d lost and hoped to gain. There was nothing left. I glanced over at Jide, he’d sat down on the couch reading my messages, at least he made it that far. We sat in silence for God knows how long, I was starting to drift when I heard him
“Did you fuck him?”
“What?” I was shocked, of every first question I expected, this wasn’t one.
“I said, did you fuck him”
“Jide, we don’t …”
“The truth. I already read your messages, I want to hear it from you”
I was quiet for a while, then “yes” it was barely a whisper
He nodded “how many times”
“Jide this isn’t nece..”
He cut in “shut up and answer the damn question!”
“Two times, it was two times” I was crying again, this time it was from shame. The reality of what I’d done finally sunk in
“Two rounds? Or it happened twice?” his voice was so low I could barely hear him
“Two rounds” he turned to look at me “about four”
He nodded again “so it wasn’t a mistake, You went back for more”
“I went to break it off with him the second time..”
“But the dick was so good you had to go back for more. One for the road, aye?”
“No it wasn’t that, I just..”
“What? You just what? Loved him? Is that it? It’s the same Ken, isn’t it? The one you wouldn’t stop talking about when we met”
“Stop it..”
“I was patient, I was here. I loved you. I would have given the world for you”
“Past tense?”
“Shiza, how could you?”
“I’m sorry, okay? But you don’t get to judge me. I’ve been faithful to you from the day I agreed to date you. You leave me in this house for weeks, I was lonely. I had a moment of weakness, I am sorry! But you don’t get to sit there and judge me. You knew I never stopped loving him, still you insisted on getting married. I told you..”
“Stop talking. What is wrong with you? Yes, I get to judge you. You know why? Because even when I knew I was married to a woman who still loved someone else, I never cheated. I was faithful to you, from the moment I said hello.”
“Jide..”
“Shut up. I leave you in this house for weeks, for what? To make money for you and the kids you don’t want to have. The other guys at work have a girl in every city, but I was trying to be good enough for you. Hoping that maybe one day, you’ll love me like you loved him. That maybe if I bought you just one more diamond, or took you to one more beautiful city you’ll stop thinking about him. I guess that wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough”
“Jide we can be happy, we were happy”
“I don’t merely want to be happy, I wanted you to be in love with me, madly in love, like I am with you”
“We can start all over, forget this, we can rise from this”
“Nobody can have it all, Shiza, not even you. I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight” he walked away and I sat down on the couch, my life was spiraling out of control and there was nothing I could do about it.